Rules for Heroines

1) When being forced into a compromising position, and having been able to steal the dagger/blaster from the villain, I will _not_ toss it to the hero, who's just come into the room and may be asking himself if he's suddenly lost his charm; instead, I will use aforementioned weapon to remove whatever internal organs of the villain I happen to fancy for my personal collection.

2) When faced with the hero and a Bimbo sent by the villain to seduce him in yet another compromising position (or possibly the Villain Herself, you never know these days), I will not act abruptly, but merely congratulate him on his good taste and actually listen to his protestations of innocence (though I will make him take a shower and have him allow me to strip search him later--you never know what might have gotten planted on the boy). Later, if necessary, will direct him to the applicable statutes in regard to child support and assist him in fighting for custody. Two can play this game!

3) I will not fall for the Villain, no matter how Cute and Sexy he may be. Even if he is _so_ understanding about how neglectful the Hero has been lately. I will also be careful what I eat and drink while in his company. However, I _will_ agree when he asks me to betray the hero, though with apparent tearful reluctance. Then I will immediately tell the Hero what's up. Sound communication is the basis of a strong relationship!

4) I will not dress up in a harem costume. It never helps (unless the Hero has been unusually dim about one's charms...I'll think about it).

5) I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.

6) Batting my eyelashes hardly ever helps, except on really stupid guards. But really stupid guards often carry blasters and/or code keys.

7) When told I must marry Guy of Gisborne or die, bring on the wedding gown. And I'll cry at the funeral, too. You never know what's in the will.

8) And I will cut the hero the same slack. Those bridegrooms could be carrying lethal weapons and/or holding someone hostage.

9) And whenever an enemy falls and it is practicable, I will pick up whatever blasters I can carry, and throw the rest down the chute. Waste not, want not.

10) I will train in the martial arts in case I am caught unarmed, but I will never tackle a villain barehanded if I have access to a spear, gun or bazooka instead.

11) Should I have any bizarre and unreasonable phobias such as fear of bugs, snakes or lightning, I will immediately seek therapy and overcome them, rather than flinging myself at the hero at an inopportune moment. (Feigning unreasonable phobias at opportune moments or to deceive the villain is okay.)

12) My slinky and seductive gown will _not_ be too tight to run, climb or fight in, nor will my heels be too high. It should be conducive to concealing weapons. In cold climates I will not wear skimpy outfits that put me in danger of frostbite or hypothermia. (see harem outfits, Rule #4)

13) If offered a bribe, I will immediately take it, and tell the hero. See rule #3. And after all, we will need a nest egg to assist us in living happily ever after.

14) If the villain points a gun at the hero and tells me to drop my weapon, I will give the hero a prearranged warning signal and shoot the villain anyway. If I am too slow, well, heroes can be replaced. Getting us both killed would be unproductive.

15. I will not swoon in the heroes arms, nor pull on him to get him away when he is trying to aim.

16. If the hero pulls me away from the fray just as I have lined up my shot, I will thank him, then beat him within an inch of his life, at a reasonable time.

17. I will not turn down the hero's romantic overtures on the sole basis of having thought him dead and having finally managed to deal with life without him.

18. I will wear clothing and shoes that are practical for running, fighting, and carrying heavy objects in. If seduction is necessary and not achievable in practical clothes, it can be achieved by selective removal or ripping of outfit.

19. I will find out who the villain's clothing designer is and employ him or her to design my wedding night lingerie.

20. I will spend some time in cardio-vascular training. When we flee the villain, I'm not going to be the one who begs to stop and rest for a bit.

21. I will not stomp out on the hero, telling him how insensitive to me he is. He may have other things on his mind at the moment and, hopefully, there will be a quiet time after all the fuss and turmoil to tell him what an unthinking cretin he has been without endangering the kingdom/planet/universe.

22. If he's too uncertain, shy, or nervous to propose, I will. Women are allowed to take the initiative in this literary day and age.

23. Special for heroines who are involved with other people than the hero, are Lesbians, or both. I will not get upset if the hero makes a pass at me. He can't know if he hasn't asked. However, once I've made my status clear to him, I reserve the right, after other problems have been solved, to flay him within an inch of his life if he persists in his attempts.